Desperately Seeking Housewives: Training Our Daughters to Prioritize Their Duties in the Home

Written by Wendy Díaz

I got married at the ripe age of 25. During that time, I was working full-time and going to school full-time, finishing up my undergrad degree that had taken me forever due to work and some frequent relocating. Work, whether full-time or part-time seemed to have always been a part of my life. I remember asking my parents, actually begging my parents, to let me work at the age of 14 while still a freshman in high school. I didn’t need to work, I had no financial burdens or worries; thankfully, I was being taken care of by my parents. Nevertheless, I saw work as an escape, a way out of my strict household, where I could not even hang out with friends or go to a movie alone.

I came from a Catholic family, and although my parents were not devout church-goers, they were religiously traditional. In old-school Puerto Rican culture, a young girl my age could not be outside even with girlfriends without a family chaperone present to protect her. But if I worked, I could be outside, breathing fresh air, or at least the fumes from the burgers grilling at the local McDonald’s. That is where I landed a job after I pleaded with my mother so she would convince my father. I promised my mom that I would even hand over my entire paycheck for her to manage as she saw fit in order to win her approval. I had to lie about my age on the job application, saying I was 16 instead of 14 because I was not legally of age to work at that point. Somehow that slipped through McDonald’s hiring process.

And so began a journey of juggling work and school; it was a challenge, but I found it exhilarating. After all, I had no other responsibilities at home; maybe washing a few dishes, perhaps cleaning my room every other decade. My mother did the rest. She was a good housewife, always meticulously clean and thorough. She had years of experience and a great role model to follow: my grandmother who was the epitome of good housekeeping and child-rearing. That incredible woman mothered nine of her own children and two more that my aunt bore prematurely at 13 years of age (those were different times back then), helped raise some of her grandchildren, managed her own farm, and washed clothes by hand in the heat of the tropical sun, among other inhumane tasks.

Although my mother was a nurse by profession, and the only child of my grandmother’s who finished high school and college, after moving to the US with my father, she stopped working because of the language barrier. Her first and only language back then was Spanish and it was very difficult for her to pick up English despite taking classes. She missed the hustle and bustle of working in a hospital, but at my father’s request, she merely settled into her new role as Queen of the House. So as the Queen continued with her task of keeping the house tidy, I worked and studied. During work I socialized, meeting many different people, and enjoying every minute of my semi-freedom. Once I turned 16, I moved on to another job legally, without having to hide my real age, and finally stopped working at 17, taking a break to finish up high school and restarting after graduation.

Once I was studying in the university, I didn’t know in what direction I was going. I changed my major dozens of times and dropped classes here and there, but I always enjoyed going to work. At that point, I had worked in retail, customer service, and data entry in different settings including a mall, hotel, newspaper, and hospital. It wasn’t until I reached the age of about 22 (Muslim by this time, Alhamdulillah) that I realized I needed to get myself together, so I chose a major and stuck with it, even though I still wasn’t sure about my choice. Nevertheless, I didn’t give up working, as a matter of fact, by the end of my studies, I was working two jobs, one full-time at a hospital, the other part-time at an elementary school, plus I had a full-time study load. I was a complete workaholic!

Finally, as graduation drew closer, I was presented with the opportunity to get married. As a Muslim, marriage was a simple process, almost like a job interview: you meet a potential spouse, you interview each other, you get to know one another, and if you and your family agree, then you get married. My suitor was a Muslim brother who lived two states away, but his character and spirituality seemed promising. One of the most important questions I asked my husband-to-be was, “Do you mind if your wife works?” and I added, “Because I intend to do so.” He agreed although he knew that as a Muslim man, he had the full responsibility of providing for the household. I managed to have my future husband ask his employer if they would transfer him to the state in which I lived so that I could continue with my career and my studies (I planned to get a Master’s degree). Since he worked for a large company that had offices nearby, his boss agreed, but the request had to go through human resources and they would get back to him with a response. I felt rather satisfied that I could continue with my plans and we moved on with the marriage.

But God had other plans. The very day of my graduation, my husband received a phone call from his boss letting him know that he could not transfer; he had to continue to work in his home state, New Jersey. My heart sank, but I was already married and by this time there was no turning back. I could always find a new job, and I could finish my Master’s in another school, no big deal. A few weeks later, I found myself living in a new state, in a place where I knew no one except my husband and his family, and even they lived far. The streets were unfamiliar and the highway looked treacherous. I was so afraid of the New Jersey Turnpike (still am), that I figured I would have to find a job that was close to home.

Meanwhile, I started trying to adjust to married life. I nearly panicked when I realized that I would have to cook for my husband and clean the house. I didn’t know how to do that, at least not well. One day my husband pointed out that some of my hair was all over the floor. I thought, "Ok, and?" I shrugged my shoulders, thinking, “Clean them up!” After all, my mother would have done that, not point it out to me like I was supposed to do something about it. But the reality was that I did have to do something. I thought I better find a job quickly so I could have an excuse to only do half the work I needed to do in the house!

I swiftly landed a nice job in a school less than 2 miles away as a Spanish teacher. It was a relief to jump back into the workforce although I did not really enjoy this new job. Teaching was way too stressful for me; I felt like I was expected to entertain the students more than teach them and they were high-schoolers! It did not help that they were on a block schedule and each class lasted an hour and a half. Oh, Lord! I didn't even have my own classroom, so I had to rush between classes, dragging a suitcase of books and graded papers through crowded hallways of loud, gritty teenagers. I missed working in elementary school!

About halfway through the school year, I noticed some odd changes in me, mainly I was exhausted and suffering from dizzy spells. After some time, it was confirmed; I was pregnant. Masha’Allah, it was wonderful news, but it was also a bit scary. What did this new chapter in my life have in store? Pregnancy not only comes with joy, but it is also fraught with worry and responsibility. Part of the worry began to affect my work and this began to affect me physically, so much so that I had to stop working… for the first time in a long time. I thought about trying to find another job, but who would hire me knowing that I would go on maternity leave a few months later? I felt out of my element. SubhanAllah. I was not trained to be a housewife, a :::gasp:::, stay-at-home-mom!

That was my life over a decade ago. I have not returned to the workforce since, but I have put in work: in my house, raising my children, teaching them, entertaining them, nursing them, caring for them, cooking, and cleaning. And I have to be honest and say that I still don’t think I fit into the roles of mother and housewife well, but I am trying. This is what inspired me to write this article a few years ago, because what happened to me was not a coincidence. It is a growing trend among young girls, increasing even more so now than when I was in high school. It is a byproduct of the so-called feminist movement, which force-feeds girls into thinking that they have to compete with men in the workforce in order to achieve success.

Rather than embracing their God-given nature and gaining the necessary knowledge to raise their children and manage a household, girls are programmed to believe that their worth is determined by the size of their paycheck. That they cannot choose to be at home, that they should juggle both work and family, that they must be feminine, yet bold, mothers, yet sole providers, demanding but also independent. And in this new age of Instagram and Pinterest, the bar is set so high to be the perfect professional, wife, and mother, that these unrealistic expectations are causing women undue stress and depression. The duties of a woman are identified in the Qur’an as follows:

"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property)." (4:34)

And if that is not clear enough for us, then we have the wisdom of our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, as a guide. He also explained the leading roles of men and women in the following narration:

It has been narrated on the authority of Ibn 'Umar that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Beware. Every one of you is a shepherd and everyone is answerable with regard to his flock. The Caliph is a shepherd over the people and shall be questioned about his subjects (as to how he conducted their affairs). A man is a guardian over the members of his family and shall be questioned about them (as to how he looked after their physical and moral well-being). A woman is a guardian over the household of her husband and his children and shall be questioned about them (as to how she managed the household and brought up the children). A slave is a guardian over the property of his master and shall be questioned about it (as to how he safeguarded his trust). Beware, every one of you is a guardian and every one of you shall be questioned with regard to his trust. (Sahih Muslim, Book 20, Hadith 4496)

This does not mean that a woman cannot pursue her career goals or aspire to be more than a housewife. It means that her first priority should be her family and maintaining her household and that she should be able to count on the men around her to provide for her, whether that be in her family, her community, or her husband. If a woman can take care of her home while working full-time, then more power to her! However, young girls should be prepared in both avenues. As parents, we need to instill discipline in our young children and teach them how to take care of the home and how to manage their time so that they can complete chores and study. Instead of pushing our daughters to become doctors or engineers and to only focus on their careers and delay marriage, we have to show them how to lead a balanced life. This is more practical and healthier for a woman. In the Qur’an, it says:

And wish not for the things in which Allah has made some of you to excel others. For men, there is a reward for what they have earned, (and likewise) for women there is a reward for what they have earned, and ask Allah of His bounty. Surely, Allah is Ever All-Knower of everything. (Qur’an Chapter An-Nisa/The Women 4:32) This is the true equality which we should seek. Not “equality” of gender roles.

In my case, by God's Mercy and after some time, I was able to assimilate into my role, but I am still in the process of learning and many days go by when I question whether or not I should go back to work outside my home. During these times, I think about my children and how and where and to whom I would leave them. I will be the one questioned for them, not the daycare center, not the nanny, not their grandparents. And realistically speaking, will my paycheck even cover the expenses of childcare? Sometimes, it really doesn’t seem worth it. Other friends of mine are able to balance work and their home life, however, they admit it is difficult and some of them do it out of necessity. They usually have to sacrifice one thing for another. I have found a healthy balance working remotely, but I also recognize that as women, we need to take time to care for ourselves. We need to exercise, take classes, cultivate meaningful relationships, participate in community events, and/or tap into our creativity. We have to keep our bodies and minds active and be spiritually sound. A healthy, happy mom means a healthy and happy home.

Again, I stress that it is incumbent upon us to teach our children the responsibilities of home life. Even boys should be taught how to do housework from a young age. We know that the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, mended his own socks! He was a role model to follow in all aspects of life, and he stressed the importance of being good to our families. Should we expect anything less from our sons? No, we should encourage them to strive for excellence inside and outside the home. Not only does this teach them responsibility and humility, but it also prepares them in case they happen to marry one of these poor girls who have been programmed with “tunnel vision;” who don’t see beyond their computer or work desk.

At least, her husband will be able to help her with the housework and not expect that she will instantaneously know how to handle the chores herself, and she should not be expected to do everything herself. Marriage is about compromise and sacrifice and no spouse should have to carry all the burden alone. I would have loved that my mother push me more in doing chores and learning my role as a woman, but instead I chose the harder path. Now it is up to me, as the mother, to teach my children to be successful in all avenues of life, not just in their studies or careers. It begins with us, after all, we are their role models.

May Allah guide us and our families and keep our faith firm so that we may be the best parents for our children. Amen.